Hurt
by KirbyKickass
Summary: Six years ago a traumatic event scarred Santana for life. She had managed to ignore and push through this for years, but the longer she keeps her secrets locked up the harder life becomes. Can her girlfriend and her friends pull her out of the past or will she succumb to it? Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**This fic contains triggers so please don't read if you're sensitive to them. **

**It's a very personal subject so please don't be too hard on me, constructive criticism is ok though. **

**Hope it's ok. **

**K**

The sun was just beginning to rise, grey light with a tinge of orange began to seep through the thin cotton curtains.

Santana sighed quietly to herself _Another sleepless night_ she thought.

Stretching slightly, the latina slowly climbed out of her bed so as not to wake her lightly snoring girlfriend. Once she had managed this difficult task, the former cheerleader picked up her sleep shorts and vest and quietly pulled them on before sneaking a glance at the beauty she had spent the night wrapped up with.

_I don't deserve her. _ She thought as guilt and self doubt took over her mind for the millionth time in the last few hours.

Letting out a breath, the girl smiled sadly at the blonde who was so important to her, before padding quietly accross the hardwood floor of their shared bedroom and into the hallway.

Passing the bathroom, the human rights student made it to the small living room/kitchen and flopped onto the sofa placing her elbows on her knees and dropping her head into her hands.

_When will this stop!? It should be getting easier. I can't live with this. ..I can't. ..it has to stop. _

A tear pushed from behind her tightly shut eyes and trailed down her cheek, darting off to the left and running down the tip of her nose before dropping to the floor in a small splash.

Santana's breathing was becoming less steady, but the girl was fighting hard to keep it under control.

She couldn't cry.

Not now, not with Quinn asleep in the next room. She had to pull herself together.

_It was six fucking years ago dammit! Man up Lopez. It doesn't matter anymore. It's history_.

No matter what she told herself, Santana couldn't stop feeling this way. Especially around this time of year.

_**The classroom door slammed shut. Santana jumped, startled at the loud noise. Turning away from her laptop she saw Karofsky standing where the once open door was. His face flustered, a hungry and dark gaze in his eyes.**_

The tears came thick and fast, hot and fat running down her face. Her breaths became hiccups. The fragile girl pulled her legs onto the sofa and wrapped her arms around them, dropping her head into her knees.

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. _She tried to order herself, but it was no use. Once it got to this point Santana usually lost the battle against her emotions.

A shaking and muffled sob left her mouth followed by a desperate gasp for air. Her heart pounding wildly in her chest, Santana attempted to slow her breaths.

_**"Jesus Karofsky. What the actual fuck!?" Spat Santana, her hand on her chest as she rose to her feet to face him.**_

_**The footballer didn't answer, he only stepped forward. **_

_**"Okay. You need to stop being all serial killer right now and i dunno - use your tiny brain to put vowels and continents in your mouth to make up these things us normal people call worrrds" Santana was fastly becoming uneasy, her instant sarcasm a sign of that.**_

_**"Shut up bitch" Spat the large boy, stepping forward again. **_

_**Santana froze. Her eyes darted around the room. There was no way out and nobody would hear her scream, school ended three hours ago. She was just hiding out in the computer lab until her abuela had finished her weekly dinner at her parents house. A dinner she was no longer welcome to. **_

_**"L-listen karofsky, I dunno what your problem is. But it's not with me" Her voice shook as she raised her hands in a surrender gesture, bumping into a table as she attempted to subtly step back. **_

_**"My problem IS you!" He growled, his fists clenching at his sides. **_

_**Santana opened her mouth to speak, but within seconds the large football player was on her. He crashed into her body sending them both into the computer desk, the legs giving way under the force and tipping the table. **_

_**Santana felt the wind get knocked out of her as her back hit the floor. Her head bounced off the thin carpet sending a white flash through her vision and a ringing through her ears. **_

_**Her mind was fuzzy. She tried to push against the boys chest but he was too heavy. Her body Squirmed under the pressure of his, although she was above average strength the latina was no match for the jock. **_

_**"P-pl-please stop...no. please no" She whispered as she felt a calloused hand force her skirt up. **_

_**Karofsky growled and quickly pulled both of her small wrists into his right hand, forcing them above her head before pulling her spanx down clumsily with his left. **_

_**Santana let out a sob as her legs struggled under his. She knew what was happening. She knew she couldn't stop it. **_

_**He thrusted into her with force, a sharp pain shot through her abdomen and a gutteral cry left her mouth. Her body jerked awkwardly as he repeatedly penetrated her. **_

_**Tears ran silently down her face as her eyes screwed shut in pain and fear, her mind finally saving her by taking her away and shutting down, her body stilled. **_

_**Karofsky thrusted and grunted and swore under his breath. Sweat gathered on his brow and his cheeks glew bright red. His eyes still black and determined. **_

" _**Fucking bitch"**_

_**"Dyke"**_

_**"Slut"**_

_**His words were sharp and full of venom but Santana could heard none of it. All she could hear were her own soft, whispered pleas. **_

_**"No, no, no, no, no. Please no"**_

_**"I have to get home. Please stop"**_

_**"I won't tell"**_

_**"I'm sorry"**_

"Baby?"

Santanna shot up off the sofa and span around to face the doorway, Quinn's worried voice pulling her from her dark memories and back into the present.

"Oh San..." Whispered the blonde as she began to walk around the sofa to her devastated looking girlfriend.

The tan girl moved backwards slightly causing Quinn to pause. Rejection causing the sting of tears in her eyes.

"Baby, it's ok. It's just me" She pleaded, voice soft and understanding.

Quinn had lived with Santana for two years now and she had been her best friend for eight. She had witnessed a subtle change in the girl many years ago and every year now, around the beginning of summer she would notice Santana withdraw into herself for a month or so. No matter how many times the blonde or her friend's approached the tan girl with support and questions, they were always turned away. Answerless.

She had never seen her girlfriend look so broken and so...scared though.

A sob followed by watery cries brought Quinn back to the situation at hand. Santana was stood with her arms wrapped tightly around herself and her head bowed, her small frame was trembling and the girl was muttering to herself between uneven breaths.

The blonde quickly stepped forward, ignoring the burn of rejection she felt before and wrapped her girlfriend in a tight embrace. Santana's mumblings now audible as she tucked the smaller girls head under her chin.

"Please still love me. Please. Please love me. Don't hate me. I - I'm sorry. Please still love me"

Quinn's heart shattered as the girl in her arms, who she had loved since the day they met, began to break down more and more. Her restrained sobs becoming louder, tears flowed faster and tan hands gripped the fabric of her shirt into fists as they both sank to the floor.

"I love you. I will always love you...a-always." Pledged the blonde, rocking the broken girl in her arms gently as her hazel eyes blinked rapidly to rid the tears threatening to spill from them.

"I never have and never will hate you baby. Never"

At this admission Santana's cries intensified, her arms pulled tighter at Quinn and she buried her face deeper into her girlfriends neck. "P-Promise Q,Quinn. Promise you love me?"

Quinn gasped at the vulnerable question that had escaped her girlfriends lips and pulled her tighter into herself.

"Always" She whispered, not trusting her voice to hold.

Santana seemed to calm after this, her breathing although still punctuated with the occasional hiccup,, slowed to a steady rhythm.

Her sobs turned into cries that turned into sniffles that turned into light snoring.

Her tight and vice like grip on Quinn loosened, her hands still remained locked around her girlfriends back though.

After over half an hour Quinn decided Santana was in a deep enough sleep to move her girlfriend. So gently, she slid her legs from under the smaller girl and hooked her right arm beneath the back of her knees. Wincing at her back protesting, the yale graduate hoisted her girlfriend up gently and steadily walked to the sofa where she gently lay her down.

_**"**_I'll be right back baby" Whispered the blonde as she untangled tan arms from around her back before pressing a gentle kiss to a still hot cheek and tiptoeing into the kitchen area to grab her phone.

Sliding the unlock screen open, Quinn dialed her other best friend.

"Quinnie! I was going to call you later, I was sure you wouldn't be awake this early. Did Santana's snoring wake you?"

Hearing her best friend's voice Quinn broke down. The whimper sounding down the phone shocked Rachel into silence for a moment.

" Do you want me to come over?" She asked instantly.

Quinn nodded through her tears before realising Rachel couldn't see her. "Byes blease" She mumbled through a stuffy nose and thick tears as she collapsed onto a breakfast stool, her eyes still trained on her sleeping girlfriend.

" I'll be there in 15." Promised the brunette over the line before pausing and adding "I love you Quinn" Then hanging up.

Quinn let a sob leave her mouth before dropping her head to the counter and crying as quietly as possible. She was petrified. Santana was broken and she didn't know why. All she knew was it was the beginning of summer and her girlfriend was locking up again. Only this time, Quinn wasn't sure if Santana would last the month.

She needed answers.

Rachel needed to get here fast.

**So...yea or nah? **

**This just kinda spilled onto the page so I have no idea where it would go, but if you're up for the ride I'm willing to carry it on. **

**Please let me know. **

**Thanks**

**K. **


	2. Chapter 2

In stories, sometimes people are crying and they don't realise it. Only when their friends or lovers wipe or kiss away their tears do they know they are.

Santana was not one of those people, she was the opposite.

She was aware she was crying before she had even woken up properly and that scared her, because if she was crying then maybe she had said something in her sleep and if she had said something too revealing, Quinn would know the truth.

She wouldn't be able to lie her way out of this one.

_Fuck. _

Slowing her breaths, the former Cheerio slowly wiped her eyes and cheeks with the thin blanket covering her, ridding as much evidence of her continued distress as possible. She wasn't sure of how long her slumber had lasted, only that Quinn jad caught her mid flashback.

Santana did not like that fact one bit. As her thoughts spread to a million different excuses and scenarios, Santana became aware of hushed whispers nearby and instantly recognised the voices as belonging to her beautiful girlfriend and Rachel's.

"It's the same every year Quinn and you know it. Every year!" Hissed Rachel from somewhere in the hallway.

Santana froze.

"Shhh. Rachel! If you wake her I swear to God you will not know what hit you!" Growled back Quinn.

A pause.

"Okay...I apologize. I did not mean to raise my voice. But you know as much as I do and several others, Santana shuts down around this time every year. It's a classic sign of trauma Quinn. I-I am sorry to say that, but it is true"

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Thoight Santana, her heart rate going through the roof.

"Trauma?" Quietly questioned quinn.

Santana closed her eyes tightly and tried to slow her heart down by holding her breath.

_It's fine. It's the hobbit. Quinn will write this off. Man hands always over reacts. _

Rustling could be heard from the kitchen area causing Santana to become curious as to what was going on. Slowly the raven haired girl tilted her head backward and rolled slightly on to her belly so she could get a view of the kitchen. Brown eyes peeped through mostly shut, puffy eyelids at the scene unfolding.

_Berry brought her ipad!? She's actually insane. _

"I've been looking at some sites Quinn...sites about what Santana goes through, I thought if I could be prepered with some relaxing techniques I could maybe help her through some of her mood swings. It's not much, just aromatherapy, indian head massages and some nice relaxing running spots-"

Rachel's mini rambling was cut short by an impatient Quinn.

"That all sounds nice Rach...but what has this got to do with. ..." the blonde trailed off, not being able to finish her sentence about her girlfriends breakdown.

Rachel gave a sad smile and clicked on a link to another page before angling the ipad toward her best friend. "I...I don't want you to think I'm over reacting Quinn. B-but I think San is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. ...caused by..."

_No. Please...please God no. Don't let them-_

_"_Rape" Whispered Quinn as her eyes scanned the page in front of her, cutting off Santana's line of thought.

The dark haired girl's heart felt as though it had stopped. Her mind was blank and her stomach was twisting in knots whilst doing somersaults. She curled into a ball and pulled the blanket over her head, shielding herself from reality.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_

"She exhibits almost every sign Quinn...I don't want it to be true but-"

"When!? When could somebody of done...when would it have...?"

_Please don't let them figure this out. Please. Oh God...they won't forgive me. _

"High school. Wh-when she didn't come in for a week right at the end of senior year. Right after..." this time Rachel trailed off, her eyes watering at the thought of her friend hiding this for so many years.

"Karofsky claimed he had slept with her..." Quinn slowly lowered the ipad, her hazel eyes travelling over to her girlfriends form.

"Oh San" She sobbed, quickly running around the breakfast bar and dropping to her knees, skidding to a halt near the sofa where Santana's body was shaking from silent cries. The blonde pulled the blanket from her girlfriends grasp and gasped when she saw the broken look in once bright eyes.

"I'm sorry...I...I should have been stronger. He was so big an-and I couldn't tell you...I couldn't ruin everyone's last week of hi-high school...I...nobody would have believed me...I-"

"NO" Boomed Rachel and Quinn's voice in unison.

"Just...no baby. It's not your fault, it's his...it's that...that _bastards___fault" Growled the blonde, her eyes closing momentarily as she suppressed a scream of anger.

Rachel slowly made her way to the sofa and stood slightly behind Quinn, her right hand coming to land on her friends shoulder as her eyes looked on softly at Santana "it's not your fault San...an-and we would have believed you. I promise. But that doesn't matter now, we...we just need to help you now. Help rid your life of what happened" The brunette quickly swiped at a tear that had rolled down her cheek, not wanting to cry because she didn't feel she had the right to.

"It will always be there. It will never go away. It's a stain...a tattoo...it is forever part of me, part of who I am..." Santana's voice was monotone, her body still. She had gone Into self defence mode, not wanting to cry in front of anyone. Not wanting to be weak or exposed.

"Then we will help you grow with it, we'll help carry it and you will be even stronger than you already are. You'll get through this baby. I promise" Quinn's words shone with conviction as she laid a soft kiss on to her girlfriends head. "I promise you San that I love you and support you and will always, _always _be here for you. You're my everything baby and you are and always have been the most beautiful and important person in my life"

Santana sniffled and closed her eyes, her chin dipping into her chest. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she nodded slightly. "I don't want to feel like this anymore" she whispered.

"Then we'll help you get to a point where you don't" added Rachel

The room stilled at that moment and Santana, for the firat time in such a very long time, believed that maybe, just maybe, she would move on from her dark past.

QQQQQQQSSSSSSSS

Several hours had passed since Santana's breakdown and the subsequent events that follwed.

All three girls were now camped out on the sofa, half watching comedy central. Their minds all reallu in different places.

Rachel was feeling guilt for exposing one her best friend's darkest secrets, but she was also feeling optimistic about her now as the latina was no longer fighting this alone.

Quinn was feeling anger. Pure, unadulterated and highly intensive anger. In her mind she was planning on what she would do to Karofsky whilst simultaneously counting down the minutes till she could check Facebook for the bastard and begin tracking him down. But Santana needed to be asleep for that. Rachel too. Rachel would try and stop her...Quinn would not be stopped.

Santana's mind wasn't really anywhere, it rolled from subject to subject. One moment she was thinking about Karofsky the next she was remembering her old pickup that she, Quinn and Brittany used to drive to the lake every summer. It was as if her mind was travelling through thick fog, shapes could be made out in the distance but there was no real outline

"I think I'm going to get us some junk food" Announced Rachel, turning to her right and starting both girls beside her. .

Santana locked eyes with her for a moment before snuggling further into Quinn on her left. The blonde frowned at the diva before shaking her head a little.

"As much as you scared the crap outta me with your unprovoked statement. ...I agree with junk food. It's..." The hazel eyed girl lifted her left arm from around Santana's waist and looked at her watch. "Almost four and we haven't eaten a thing."

"Junk food it is then" Smiled the small brunette. "Any preference san?" She questioned, her tone soft.

"Not hungry" Was all she received in reply.

Quinn locked eyes with her for a moment, both girls thinking exactly the same thing.

"You need to eat sweetie" Gently urged Quinn, looking down at the girl now folded into her lap under the patchwork blanket.

"Not today...save the lecture for tomorrow. I know what you're both thinking" Snapped the small girl, pulling the cover over her head.

Rachel's head dropped, her brown eyes trained on the floor and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. Both she and Quinn were aware of Santana's struggles with food, the latina using it's restriction as a coping mechanism during difficult times.

The summer Santana was raped, she dropped down to five stone and had to be admitted to hospital. At the time no one knew why their friend was struggling so much, now though, it all made sense.

Quinn's insodes felt as though they were on fire and her skin prickled with an icy cold. That year she almost lost Santana, she wouldn't come close to it again.

"Rach?" She called, causing the brunette to look up at her "why don't you go to that vegetarian shop on the corner of 3rd? The food is tasty _and _healthy, plus you can maybe pick up some overnight stuff and we'll all camp out here tonight."

The NYADA student smiled at the idea and nodded whilst getting to her feet. "Yea, that's a great idea Quinn". Her voice croaked a little from witheld tears but the small diva soon recovered witj a firm nod before picking up her shoes and slipping out the door.

"You're going to eat San. I'm not letting this pattern start again" insisted the blonde as soon as the door behind their friend.

Santana remained stoic and silent, angering the taller girl. "Don't ignore me Tana. Please." She begged, pulling down the cover from her loves face.

Santana's eyes were closed tightly and her lips trembled slightly. Quinn's heart broke a little more at the sight.

Gently the blonde leaned forward and pressed a kiss the the slightly shorter girls cheek. "Just eat a little bit for me baby. Please"

Santana shook her head. "N-not today. Please. Ju-just let me hide for today" she whimpered.

Quinn inhaled deeply, staving off the tears she so desperately wanted to let fall. "If I...if we let you hide today...promise tomorrow we can look at getting help...and that you will eat. Please promise. Please"

The dark haired girl took a shuddering breath. "I-I can't promise Q" she whispered, her eyes opening and locking with an intense yet loving hazel eyes.

The blonde looked down at the young woman who had become more important than air to her. She saw such fragility and defeat within misty eyes and she tried to remember when she had seen that look before...then, like a 1000 tonne freight train, it hit her in the chest

**"Miss Lopez is very weak and sleeps most of the time due to her low energy levels, she may or may not be responsive when you see her. Also, she has a feeding tube inserted into her nose and an iv in her right arm. Please try to keep her calm as she has a tendency to attempt to pull these out when agitated. Are there any questions? " **

**Quinn looked up at the male nurse who had led her to a metal gate within the eating disorder clinic. All of his words had sank in, but they had stunned the blonde. She shook her head and he nodded satisfied before pulling a key from an extendable lead attached to his pants and unlocking the gate. **

**"Follow me please" he ordered cheerily before stepping through and making sure the gate slammed shut behind them. **

**Quinn followed the man in green scrubs down three corridors, passed several locked doors containing screaming occupants and down a ramp to a quiet ward consisting of seven beds, each occupied by skeletal figures, all but one of them sleeping. **

**Santana. **

**As soon as their eyes locked, Quinn broke into a short sprint coming to a sudden halt when she reached her friends side. **

**The male nurse looked on sadly before turning and heading back the way he came. He didn't hold much hope for the Lopez kid. **

**Quinn's eyes travelled from top to toe and back again, her vision becoming clouded with tears. **

_**How did I never notice? **_

**Her eyes scanned her best friend's gaunt body again and again and again. A sharp pain shooting through her heart as she noticed the pyjamas Santana had on were for children. Not teenagers. Teenagers weren't meant to be able to fit in kids clothes. **

**"I know I look hot, but can you please stop...checking...me out Q" groaned the latina, causing Quinn's eyes to snap up to hers. **

"**I don't. ..want you crying or any of that...shit" she Breathed out, her voice husky but not in a sexy way. **

**Quinn looked at the floor "why are you doing this?" She asked, her eyes slowly travelling back to the brown of her best friend's. **

**"I don't know" Whispered the weak girl. **

**"Do-do you want to die?" Whimpered Quinn, her heart pounding in her chest. **

**Moments passed. **

**"I don't know...ma-maybe..." Santana closed her eyes, thinking deeply about her answer. **

**Quinn's hand shot up to cover her mouth and force a sob back in. **

**The raven haired girl slowly opened her heavy lids and her dark, chocolate orbs met the shimmering green hazel of the girl she had loved in secret for so long.**

**"I think I do"**

Quinn shook her head at the memory, tears forming in her eyes. She would not let that happen again. Not now. Not ever.

"Today you can hide baby, but tomorrow...we start facing your demons" She whispered gently but firmly.

Santana tensed.

"Together"

At this statement the smaller girls body relaxed a little.

"We will get through this together baby. I promise" Quinn whispered before laying a gentle kiss upon her forehead.

Santana didn't believe her.

**Ok, so I hope it was ok. I know it's not the best but I'm having a hard time atm and this subject is extremely difficult and personal to me so it's hard to write about it when I'm already feeling like shit haha. **

**I just wanted to get something up for you guys though so hopefully this will suffice for now. **

**The next chapter is already planned so it will be better, I promise! However, I'm going to New York on Tuesday so I'm not sure if I will be able to upload before then...hopefully I will **

**Please let me know what you think and thanks for reading. **

**K.**


	3. Chapter 3

"She fell asleep?" Whispered Rachel as she bustled into the main room of the flat with two take out bags of food and a rucksack.

Quinn looked up, her gaze having been locked on the side of her girlfriends head for the last 30 minutes. She did not answer, not trusting her voice to hold. All the blonde had wanted to do was cry, but she needed to be strong for Santana and she was sure if she started crying now, she wouldn't stop.

"Oh Quinn" Cooed her brunette friend, dropping her bags down gently before kneeling in front of her high school frenemy.

"It will be okay...She will be okay. I kn-"

"How can you say that!?" Quinn cut her off with a harshly whispered tone. "How can you look at me and tell me it will be ok when my girlfriend has done nothing but cry since this morning!? How can you tell me she will be alright when she has lived with this secret for so many years, when she so obviously thinks so little of herself!? How is she going to be ok when I can't eeven convince her to eat a fucking _salad_!?"

Rachel leaned back on her shins as Quinn ranted at her, tears once again forming in her chocolate eyes. The NYADA student felt so much pain for her friends.

Santana had gone through a terrible trauma and hidden it for so long, relapsing into anorexia twice and pushing almost all of her friends away.

Quinn had struggled to help her best friend, blaming her harsh words in high school for the raven haired girls self esteem issues.

Rachel didn't quite understand how she had managed to become a prominent figure and trusted friend in the lives of the two girls before her, especially when most people had been cast to the side or just drifted away...but she was determined to help them both through the hardships ahead, even if that meant taking the brunt of misguided anger.

Quinn sat, stunned by her own harsh questions to her friend. Rachel had been nothing but caring and optimistic, yet she had thrown that in the girls face.

A silence had spread between them, the small brunette chewing her lip and studying the hands in her lap. Just as the blonde was about to speak, Rachel looked up and interrupted her.

"Quinn...You and Santana are my closest friends" the smaller girl paused to clear her throat, tears colouring her voice. "I have known you both for so many years and we have all lived through some very difficult times within each other's lives"

The brunette shuffled closer to the sofa and placed a hand over Quinn's resting on the shoulder of Santana.

"San has struggled the most and we have both come close to losing her...but she has always pulled through"

A shaking sob escapes Quinn. Rachel is instantly perched beside her on the sofa and gathers the blonde into her arms.

"It's ok Quinnie. It's ok" She sooths, running her hands over blonde locks as her friend buries her head into her neck.

"Santana was strong enough to cope with this alone for all that time, but now she doesn't need to be alone. She can lean on us and we will help carry this. With us by her side, she will get through this. She will get over this. That's how I can say that Quinn...that's how I know she will be ok"

QQQQQQQSSSSSSSS

A loud pounding at the door is what woke them. Quinn was the first to stir, followed by Santana. Rachel only awoke when the latina sat up fully, causing the brunette to slide off her and the sofa, landing on the floor with a thud.

"What in the name of Bar-"

The loud knocking cut off the petite girl.

None of the girls knew who could be basically kicking thier door down, and after yesterday's revelations they were all a little wary.

But Santana was Santana, she was highly protective of her friends and her girlfriend...of her family _that's what they are to me. _So she was up in a flash. Before anything could be said the former Cheerio had hppped over the back of the sofa all three girls had slept on last night and was pulling the door open, the baseball bat she insisted keeping beside the door since the day she and Quinn moved in, held tightly in her left hand out of sight. 

Both Quinn and Rachel on on horror as Santana dropped the bat and was forced backward into the wall behind her in a blur.

Quinn was up and running within milliseconds, her heart pounding. "Get the Hell off her" she growled, nearing the scene. Only stopping short when she noticed the 'attacker' was none other than Puck.

"Woah there hot stuff, I was just giving your girl a hug. Nothing sinister" Placated the muscled man, raising his hands in submission.

Quinn looked to his right at her girlfriend who nodded gently. "It's ok babe. He was just gettinge back for last time I scared him"

Quinn's shoulders dropped along with her head as a sigh escaped her mouth. Santana pushed away from the wall and walked toward her girlfriend, wrapping her in a tight embrace and placing a kiss on her head.

"I'm ok Q. I'm fine. It's just Puck...he's one of the good guys"

The tan girl felt her love begin to shake, tightening her embrace in response. When she looked up she was met with the questioning eyes of the man in front of her

"Long story Puckerman...I think there's some doughnuts you cops love so much in the fridge, go help yourself...we'll be through in a moment"

The uniformed man looked at his friend worriedly before his eyes flicked over to the reason he had come over.

_Rachel_

The small brunette smiled sadly and nodded her head in the direction of the kitchen, jumps starting her boyfriend into action.

Once Puck had left the hallway, Santana pulled Quinn into the bathroom before sitting the blonde on the closed toilet and starting the shower.

"You barely slept last night baby...I think we should grab a showrr then catch a few more hours" Whispered the dark haired girl.

At this Quinn looked up with puffy eyes.

"I should be looking after you" She croaked

Santana gave a half smile "This shit goes both ways babe"

Quinn dropped her head. "I was so stupid..."

"Heyyy. No. You saw a guy tackle me. You didn't know it was Puckerman" insisted the latina, dropping to her knees and dipping her head to make eye contact with Quinn.

Hazel eyes closed for a moment before piercing into Santana's. "Not just then San...all this time, all these..._years! _FUCK SANTANA...YEARS...I just...I didn't see. I'm fucking stupid...I am so fucking ignorant!"

The blonde jumped up from her position and began to pace the small room.

"You were hurting and I couldn't see...I just...I thought...I don't fucking know what I thought" She scathed, her palm slapping her forehead.

Santana jumped up and grabbed her girlfriends hands, forcing the blonde to look into her soft eyes.

"Baby...it's ok. I promise, it's ok"

The student held her girls gaze and squeezed her wrists a little tighter to gather her attention.

"I hid this from you...I...I was scared and I thought stupid shit." She looled away for a moment before her eyes landed back on Quinn's.

"I thought you would love me less...or not love me at all...if...if you knew. It isn't your fault. I lied. I lied for so long and I'm sorry"

Both girls were breathing heavily, their eyes pooling with tears. But as terrible as the moment was, boundaries were being broken. Santana's walls were falling and progress was being made.

"Can we please just get into the shower and forget everything. ...just for a while? I just want to hold you and you to hold me...I...I need that"

Quinn smiled a watery smile and nodded.

"I'll always be holding you baby. Always"

Their lips met for a brief but loving kiss before they separated to undress. They had to face Puck soon and explain everything, but in this moment they only cared about healing each other.

**So another short update...sorry about the length. But I am away for two weeks now in NYC! **

**Please let me know what you think, I love reviews! !**

**Have a good week guys and I will see you soon :) **

**ps...any tips on where to go in the awesome city that is New York would be appreciated haha. **

**Thanks for reading. **

**K**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys! **

**I'm back from NYC, newly engaged (YAY!) and completely shattered. That place is HUGE! **

**I would have updated sooner but it took over ten hours to fly back and get home...and I kinda maybe, well really and actually walked out of my job haha. **

**So yea, I've been recovering from the bastard jetlag and looking for work. Yay. **

**Anyways, thank you all so much for your amazing reviews and for following and favoriting. I cannot put into words how amazing that makes me feel. **

**So this one is dedicated to you all. **

**Thanks.**

**K. **

"I don't understand what is going on Rach" Huffed an agitated Puck as he paced the small kitchen.

The petite brunette swallowed nervously before standing from the stool she had perched on, placing her hands on her boyfriends biceps.

"Noah. San isn't in a good place-"

"Like every fucking time the summer starts!" Cut in the uniformed man. His voice loud, but a desperation underneath.

Rachel sighed and directed the former bad boy to the stool she had been sat on, his legs buckling when he hit it causing him to sit.

Gently, the small diva rubbed her hands soothingly up and down Puck's arms before taking his large hands into her small ones and placing a quick but loving kiss on his lips.

"Yes Noah. Just like every year, but this time it is different. I promise"

The Broadway stars eyes bore into those of her boyfriend, a moment passed and he solemnly nodded.

"I just don't want _it _to happen again babe. I'd die if I had to see her like that again"

The muscled man bit his lip and blinked away quickly forming tears, both his own and Rachel's heart speeding up at the memory three years previous.

*Flashback*

_"Yea, she's due here any minute. Apparently the flight from Italy was very turbulent and she just wants to sleep" Smiled an ecstatic Quinn down the phone. _

_Rachel had called 20 minutes ago, excited that Santana was coming back from her 6 month modelling gig in Italy. She was eager to speak to her friend. Herself, Quinn and Santana forming a tight bond after high school. _

_"I can understand" Replied the brunette "I also know that she will want you allllll to herself for a few days. Six months is a long time!" _

_This elicited a giggle from Quinn. _

_"Yea. I've missed her Rach" _

_There was a long pause_

_"I'm worried she may not have been looking after herself over there...you know how she gets"_

_Rachel's voice hummed in agreement over the line._

_"I just want to wrap her up in my arms and never let go" Spoke the blonde almost reverently_

_"You can do that as soon as she walks through that door" Smiled Rachel, hoping to lighten the mood. _

_If she was honest though, she was also scared for Santana's health. The latina never did prioritise looking after herself around the summer months. _

_The brunette suspected it was a sort of self punishment, but she never broached the subject. _

_"Oh. I have a call waiting. Could be S. I'll call you back Rach" Quinn's excited voice sounded over the line. _

_The girls exchanged goodbyes and Rachel hung up. _

_"Fabray" Answered Quinn as she picked up the call waiting, a sly smile on her face as she knew San loved it when she was all authoritive. _

_"Lucy Quinn Fabray?" Questioned an unknown male voice. _

_The blonde faltered a little before regaining composure_

_"Speaking, yes. And may I ask with whom I am talking to?" Her voice was cold, not many people knew her full name and those that did were generally journalists trying to get quotes from the outcast from the Fabray legacy to sully her fathers campaigns. _

_"My name is Mark Fischer. I'm calling concerning your partner. Santana Marie Lopez"_

_Quinn's breath caught in her throat as she stumbled to the small sofa and dropped onto it. _

_"Is she okay?" It was barely above a whisper. _

_"Miss Fabray, I'm afraid your partner has been hospitalised and we require your assistance with her case" _

_The rest of the phone call was a blur. _

_Quinn didn't remember writing the address of the hospital down. _

_She didn't remember how she got there. _

_She didn't remember screaming at a nurse refusing to let her see her girlfriend. _

_She didn't remember calling Rachel or when she showed up with Puck._

_She does remember that room though. _

_31g _

_The door was light beige with a silver ornate handle. Which struck the blonde as strange as it was different from the normal polished handles on all of the other doors. _

_She remembers how the sunlight broke through the gaudy pink blinds, highlighting every speck of dust floating in the air. _

_She remembers the powder blue walls and matching bed sheets. _

_She remembers counting all of the drips around Santana's bed._

_Five._

_She remembers the feeding tube inserted into her girlfriends nose. _

_She remembers falling to her knees at the sight of her love. _

_Santana had dropped down to an impossible weight again. Just as she had done just out of High School. _

_" . Not again" Cried the blonde. _

_Puck was the first one through the door, he knew this was a bad idea. _

_The doctors were refusing to give any information until they had assured Quinn was Santana's partner and emergency contact. A process being slowed down by a computer fault. _

_Quinn had gone on the hunt for her girlfriend, refusing to hear himself or Rachel's objections. _

_Now here they were, faced with a devastating sight they were not prepared for. _

_Rachel instantly dropped to Quinn's side and pulled her into a fierce embrace, attempting to ease her pain a little. _

_Puck ran straight to Santana's side, stopping inches from the bed. _

_His eyes misted over as he scanned all of the various I.V's pumping much need nutrients into his best friend. _

_His sister. _

_"Fuck Lopez...not this again." He whispered, anger on the tip of his tone. _

_"Fuck. Why can't you see you're better than this!?" _

_His large hand reached out and tucked a piece of dry hair behind his friends ear._

_"You better pull through this Lopez. So I...so I can kick your ass"_

_The girl in the bed didn't respond. _

_Didn't move. _

_A sob broke from Puck's mouth. _

_This was bad. _

It took three years to build Santana back from that state.

Three years of almost constant supervision.

Three years of fighting.

Arguing.

Pushing.

Crying

Begging.

Three years of hard, heart wrenching work from Quinn, Rachel, Puck and Santana.

But they got through.

Puck was determined they wouldn't go through that again.

That Santana wouldn't do that to herself again.

"Yo. Space cadet!"

Puck's eyes focused on the opposite side of the breakfast bar where the voice came from.

"Your head been bashed too many times by the bad guys Puckerman? Lost what few braincells you had left?"

There stood Santana, hair damp in an NYPD hoody and sweats, Quinn in a similar state next to her. Only Quinn wasn't putting on the false bravado.

Puck managed a smile as Rachel leaned against his side and wrapped an arm behind his back.

"Just dumbing myself down for ya Lopez. You know the score" He winked back.

Quinn stiffened a little as Santana went to retaliate back, causing her girlfriend to look at her with a puzzled brow.

"Are we just gonna pretend everything is ok? Sweep this under the proverbial carpet?" Her voice was on the edge of anger, tears colouring her tone.

Santana stepped back a little

"Q...I...what do you want me to do?" She was hurt. How could Quinn not se how difficult this could be for her.

"I want you to tell him San. Tell him the truth!" Growled the blonde, her emotions taking over.

Puck and Rachel's eyes darted between the two as if they were at a tennis match.

"It's just that fucking easy!? Is that what you think?" Volleyed the latina back.

"I just don't want to pretend anymore San. I want-"

"What do you want!?" Cut off Santana "Me to tell everyone!?"

Her arms waved in the air before gesturing to the forgotten ipad on the counter

"Maybe I should fucking log into Facebook, tell the world!" The students head dropped for a moment as she angrily swiped at a rogue tear.

"Do you think the more people I tell, the better I will become?" Santana's glare was piercing.

A moment of silence passed, all that could be heard was the hum of the aircon from the living room.

The atmosphere was thick with tension as Quinn's first sob broke.

Everyone was glued in place. Not a soul could move.

Puck's mind was spinning, he had no idea what was happening, what they were arguing about.

Until Quinn shouted through her tears.

"I want you to tell him" Growled the blonde, pointing toward the uniformed man, her voice nasally due to the tears that were now pouring from her eyes.

"I want you to tell him so he can get the fucker who raped you!"

Quinn fell to her knees as Santana stumbled backward into the refrigerator.

Puck's whole body went cold.

Silence hung in the air at the revelation.

Everyone stunned by Quinn's outburst.

After over a minuted had ticked by, Noah finally found the courage to speak.

"Rape...raped you? San!?" His voice was desperate and high pitched, Santana would have laughed at him if she didn't feel like dissappearing right now.

Her brown eyes were locked on her girlfriend.

Quinn was hunched forward on her knees sobbing. But she couldn't move, couldn't make those few feet to her love.

Her love who had just blurted out her biggest secret.

"San...Quinn...I, I don't understand" Puck then turned to his girlfriend who, at some point had detached herself from him and was leaning heavily against the counter top.

"Babe...what-"

"Karofsky" Santana's husked voice sounded through the kitchen.

Puckerman's head snapped to her direction.

"Karofsky raped me in senior year." Her eyes were still trained on Quinn who was sobbing harder now.

Puck's gaze flitted repeatedly around the small kitchen, momentarily focusing on the three most important women in his life.

_Karofsky raped me in senior year_

His heartbeat was thundering.

_Karofsky raped me_

Hi muscles twitched.

_Karofsky_

His anger rose and a growl escaped his throat.

Without second thought, the tall man pushed the stool back harshly causing it to topple over and Rachel to jump.

He looked at the devastation within the room one more time as Santana's monotone words echoed in his mind before storming out of the kitchen, down the hall and through the door, slamming it with a bang.

Santana jumped from her trance at the noise to see Puck gone and Rachel rushing out, she assumed to chase him.

Her eyes locked back down a few feet in front of her where Quinn was stil in tears. But this time she managed to move her feet.

Slowly dropping beside the blonde, the former Mckinley student wrapped a tentative arm around her and pulled her close.

Her girlfriend was trembling and hiccuping through rushed apologies and it broke the former Cheerios heart.

"Imsorryiwasstupid. He-he-he ju-hust has to pay. ImsosorrySan. Please. ..pl-ehease forgive me"

"Shh baby. It's ok. I forgive you. It's ok" Soothed the smaller girl as she placed a kiss into blonde locks.

And there they both sat, on the cool linoleum floor, tears running down their faces and sobs breaking any silence.

Eventually the sobs turned into hiccups turned into steady breathing turned into sleep.

Both girls supporting each other, wrapped in each others arms,the only place either of them felt safe.

**Soooo...please, pleaee review or pm me and let me know what you think. **

**Thanks so much for reading. **

**K :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Guys...seriously!? Your response to my last update was am-ahaz-ing! Thank you, seriously, from the bottom of my heart. **

**Jammy...your reviews are always something to look forward to, thank you also for the congrats :) Myself and my awesome fiancée are totally stoked and looking forward to the rest of our lives together. :)**

**Now, just to address one small (possibly not that small) issue. This fic is written purely based upon emotions I, as a survivor have experienced and still experience. I do not intend to upset anyone. This fic is like therapy to me, a way to vent and express emotions and actions I have kept locked up for many years. At no point have I intended to offend. So yea, hope that clears stuff up. :)**

**On another note, I am always here if anyone needs any help with any issues. **

**Enough of that anyways, on with the story. **

Santana lit up another cigarete as she sat on the fire escape attached to her and Quinn's apartment. The sun had set over two hours ago and a slight chill was rolling in from the nearby pier.

Inhaling deeply, the troubled girl closed her eyes for a moment and tried to block out the sounds coming from inside.

Quinn and Rachel were arguing. Puck was on shift again after his morning off. His 11 hours meant for rest were spent trying to track Karofsky down.

Something he was not successful in.

Santana didn't know how to feel about that.

"IF NOAH CAN'T FIND HIM, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WILL!?" Rachel's voice was shrill as the forty minute long argument continued.

Santana stiffened at the thought of Quinn. _Her _Quinn looking for the man...the monster that raped her. What if Quinn found him? Confronted him? What if he lost it, got angry...what if he...if...

Santana shook her head and bit down on her cheeks to stop a sob ripping from her throat at the thought of Quinn being hurt.

With eyes tightly shut she willed her breaths to slow and once again lifted the cigarette to her lips. She took a drag, breathed deep then rolled the bitter smoke around her mouth before releasing it into the New York skyline, opening her eyes as she did.

_How do I fix this?_

_I fucked up. _

_They're arguing because of me. _

_Puck is working on no sleep because of me. _

_Quinn...Rach...Puck...they're all hurting because of me. _

_How could I be so careless! FUCK. _

_Rule one Lopez - If you feel a breakdown coming on, run. Get somewhere distant. _

_Rule two - Never fucking break down at home, never cry at home, never give off any fucking signs that something is wrong at home! _

_I'm so stupid. _

"I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RACH!"

Quinn's emotional and pained cry snapped Santana from her interal berating. The human rights student quickly dropped her cigarette and hopped back through the bedroom window, her stomach knotting painfully at the broken sound of her girlfriend.

Steadily she tip toed up to her bedroom door and paused to listen a moment.

"San has been hurting all these years Rachel...because of him and because of my ignorance. A-and now...I can finally start to do something."

The dark haired girl leaned further against the door as Quinn's voice petered off into a whisper.

"What sort of girlfriend would I be...if I did nothing? " a whimper "I've done nothing all these damn years...I need to, I HAVE to do..._something. ..."_

"Oh Quinn" Rang Rachel's sympathetic voice.

Shuffling could be heard then sobbing.

Santana opened the door slightly and looked down the hallway. Rachel had Quinn wrapped in her arms. The blonde grabbing onto fistfuls of the divas top as she sobbed quietly into their best friend.

Setting her shoulders straight, Santana took a deep breath before pulling the door fully open and walking down the hallway with purpose.

"You haven't done _nothing_" Her voice cracked as she stopped short of the two women before her.

Hazel eyes opened and found hers as Rachel slowly turned. Both young women releasing their hold of each other and giving Santana their full attention.

"You...you've kept me sane Q" Spoke the broken girl, her eyes watering as she watched Quinn's lip tremble.

"You've been my anchor on the darkest days...ke-keeping me safe, stopping me from crashing against the rocks and splitting into a million unfixable pieces"

Quinn went to step forward but the slightly smaller girl shook her head no and continued.

"I...I have had days..." Brown eyes flitted to the floor as unwelcome and shameful thoughts came to mind "_Really bad days" . _

The former cheerleader looked up to both Quinn and Rachel, eyes shimmering with unshead tears and took a shaking breath.

"Days where I have wanted to give up and let go...but you..." She took a moment to focus on not only hazel eyes, but chocolate ones too "Both of you...I could never do it. You mean the world to me Q...maybe it was me being selfish on my part."

A breath.

"But I just couldn't stand the thought of never seeing you again, never kissing you again...never hearing that laugh or touching your beautiful skin..." The tan girl looked at the floor as both Quinn and Rachel's stares became too much.

"Maybe I should have given up on those days...let you live a full life..." The small girl coughed as a sob tore up her throat. She bent forward a little, her hands knitted together and elbows pulled into her stomach.

Quinn and Rachel were both openly crying, the blonde covering her mouth with her hands in an attempt to stem the whimpers coming from her.

"Let you have the life you deserve. ...with a whole person instead of someone damaged...Someone dirty...instead of me."

Her eyes found Quinn's again "but please don't ever think you have done nothing Q...you have saved me every single fucking day-"

Within seconds Quinn was on Santana. She had the younger girl wrapped tightly within her embrace in a flash.

Rachel tentatively stood as the scene before her unfolded, her heart aching at her best friend's admission. She had known Santana wasn't ok for a long time, everyone had. But after being brushed off time after time, she just like everyone else had eased off the latina.

She wanted to go up to Santana and Quinn, she wanted to hold them both tight and cry with them, but right now guilt had her fixed in place.

"Imsosorry, sosorryohgod...I didn't mean to hurt you all so much...im sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Her one time enemy's rushed and painful apologies slapped the diva in the face though and within seconds she was by both her friends' sides, arms wrapped around them both.

"It's ok Santana. You don't need to apologise. You haven't done an..any-anything wrong sweetheart" The brunette stumbled through her tears as she felt both Quinn and San grip onto her tightly.

"We're all here babe. We're here, forever and ever and we all love you. So so much" Added a teary Quinn.

Santana didn't speak. She only cried harder and sank towards the floor. Both Quinn and Rachel eased themselves down with her and held the fragile girl as she sobbed her heart and soul out. Both hoping that this was the lowest Santana would get, but knowing it probably wasn't

QQQQQQQSSSSSSSS

"Babe?" Came Noah's voice.

Rachel twisted round, hissing as a sudden pain shot through her neck. Placing her warm palm on it she stood from the sofa as her boyfriend entered the room.

He looked beyond tired, his uniformed shirt was untucked and the sleeves messily rolled up, his eyes were red and dark circles were forming around them. But still, as Rachel came into his line of sight, he smiled and held his arms open.

Rachel dropped her hand from her neck and ran the short distance to her love. His largw arms encircled her, making her feel safe.

"I miffed ouu" She mumbled into his chest eliciting a giggle from the man.

"I missed you you too babe: he replied, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

After a moment, the two separated. This was when Rachel noticed the slight smile that her boyfriend was wearing.

"Noah?" She whispered, unsure of the reasons behind it.

"Rach..." He looked around the apartment then back at his girlfriend with puzzlement on his face "Where's Quinn...and Tana?"

The brunette took one of Puck's hands and led him to the couch.

"They're asleep...Santana was really upset...stuff got intense, but it's all ok. For now. They're just sleeping"

"Is she ok!?" Came Puck's alarmed tone.

Rachel smiled at his caring nature. Santana and Noah had grown close again after high school, they became each others confidants, each others rocks...they were basically siblings.

"She's fine. Well, she's not, but she is unharmed and doing ok. She just had a bad moment and there was crying but now she is asleep. So she's fine right now"

Puck nodded before taking a deep breath, Rachel looking at h quizzically as he did.

"I have news...big news" He pushed his hand over his closely shaven head, the NYPD not allowing his old trademark mowhawk.

"I got speaking to one of my buddies. He has a cousin who works down in Ohio."

Rachel stiffened, her pulse sped up and she focused completely on what Noah was saying.

"Karofsky...he, he's there. Still in Lima. I have his details and they're gonna bring him in as soon as I give the nod"

Rachel's breath caught in her lungs as she looked on shocked.

"He changed his fucking name after he was jailed for assault and battery...on two female victims"

"Bring him in. Now"

Both Rachel and Puck's eyes snappped to the hallway.

There stood Quinn in sleep shorts and a baggy t shirt. A look of unadulterated hatred on her face.

"Bring that bastard in now." She growled and Puck nodded.

**So. What do you think? Hope it was ok. **

**Thanks for reading. **

K.


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